THE TRAUMA CREATED FROM MISCOMMUNICATION ][ IN TREATMENT ][ DR. VAN & LOLITA BROWN

Transcript

Automatic captions, reflowed into paragraphs. Scripture references are highlighted; passages that sound like read scripture are set apart; people and spiritual beings are in bold.

we're so eager to change the world but would we fail to realize is that the world is simply made up of countries States communities families and individuals

music

so if we truly want to change the world let's start by becoming our true selves

music

welcome to Intrigue

music

welcome to entreatment where we diagnose the common illnesses and love in relationships on this episode we're going to be discussing miscommunication and how detrimental it is to millions of people in all our years of constantly this has been the number one problem that we've diagnosed hi I'm your co-host Dr Lolita Brown and this is Dr Van Brown author of Love symptoms and counselor of Revelation Church welcome yeah

music

we are so excited to have you guys here make sure that you subscribe that you like you share you comment below this particular episode is very touching to me I feel like it was one of the things that I struggle with the most which was miscommunication and so can you explain to the audience what is it exactly what does miscommunication mean or what does it mean to communicate hey great point I I love this topic simply because this the trauma created from miscommunication so if we want to know what miscommunication is we first have to know what is communication and communication simply is the effective vehicle where your words your Deeds your ideals are expressed in order for that person to comprehend what's in your mind because we can't read mine so our words are the effective communication that give the thought in which we want to give to someone else but we also think that communication is just words our body language is communication our silence is communication so miscommunication happens when there's two parties involved and one has one thought on the topic of a word or the experience of an event and the person has received that information differently it could be because the familial history it could be from trauma it could be from lack of ignorance but for whatever reason the channel has been severed or the antenna is not up simply because there's a miscommunication they're not receiving the frequency on what's being said wow so you have two people speaking but on different channels yes so even though these are two consenting adults fully comparable the same mind but because the information that is being expressed is being poorly expressed or not received well yes there is a miscommunication I know that has happened a lot with us personally right but a lot of times with my family members with my friends with my co-workers we've all like just missing the mark missing the way that we want to get something across to someone so let's give them a real life story about someone that we've counseled yes in the past yeah there's we'll just call them John Doe and Jane Doe too um great family uh actually cousins but they grew up like brothers and sisters and they had this depth a relationship they were there for each other growing up and as they moved separately married Etc and life happens but here it is they both came back together in a setting where this Jain is living from the history of the past wow so she didn't have to communicate in the past her thoughts or feelings on what she needed right he automatically knew what was wrong or assisted an inquired about what was wrong it was like they were connected they were connected and so because of the disconnection she was drowning and I had a lot of problems and issues going on in our life and she automatically thought because he was in her Arena around her he should be able to automatically pick that up assumption wow see assumption is a communication too assumption but it's it's your your you're communicating with yourself hoping the other person will understand see that is the most biggest disconnect that cause divorce that caused um broken and relationships that cause business partners to go their separate ways because you're assuming something an assumption is a thought in your mind that you never released wow that's so good I know the audience can relate to this how many of you guys I want you to type miscommunication in the comments below if this has happened to you before that's so good so you're you're she assumed that he should automatic how could you not know that I'm drowning how could you not know that you see all of this going on in my life and his assumption was she has to be fine because if she wasn't fine she would have told me yes so he's living on his history too because they were so close and connected that whenever something happened she would automatically communicate to him wow but here it is two persons are living from the past now grown adults having families of their own responsibilities of their own they've changed in terms of their responsibilities so this person is expecting that you should know the other person is expecting that you should tell me wow that's so good and both persons are defiant in their decision I did not I did nothing wrong yes you should have said I did nothing wrong you should inquire about me what do you think like are some obvious symptoms of miscommunication in case there's anyone that's listening and they're like have I ever experienced you know having miscommunication with someone what are some like evidence that you could say people can be aware like if you see these things you might be diagnosed with miscommunication or one of the greatest um signs or symptoms is broken relationships that's so good yes if you're constantly going from broken relationship the broken relationship you have to come to the conclusion at some point yes that maybe it's something that I'm not doing right yeah it's good because remember Rich relationships happen when we communicate effectively but not just communicate effectively when we have the heart posture to give naturally so broken relationships is a clear sign yes offense could be another sign of broken relationships um trauma could be a sign of uh miscommunication um lack of self-awareness wow wow could be the sign of miscommunication but they're so listen to me we could go on and on but there are so many signs of miscommunication and constantly you're being reprimanded whether it's on your job whether it's in your family whether it's in your social life you're constantly remember life has a great way of telling us what we need to improve upon you know that's so true because I felt like when I was suffering from miscommunication I always felt like I was being misunderstood so I always felt myself defending my the what I said or how I said it or you know what I meant you know and it was just the lack of being able to organically communicate what I was trying to say right yeah so sometimes we and the problem with miscommunication is this we have to understand that there's an internal dialogue going on in our heads but sometimes we don't communicate that thought the way we're thinking it we think we do because we're living with ourselves and so we say it but we fail to realize that's not actually what I meant to say yes and so but in your mind you got it because you're the one who conjured up the information but the person that's receiving it it's like I'm failing to understand what's happening here yeah and so uh so miscommunication comes from our assumptions not being carefully uncalculatedly processed with words effectively that's so good yes I think you're helping us I know you're helping me so so what would you say are some um cures to miscommunication what are some ways that if we you know wanted to really get better in this area in our life because it seems like it's so important I know for me relationships depended on it business deals depended on it you know my relationship spiritually with my heavenly father depended on it you know and so what would you say are some ways that the viewers can start treatment and and cure miscommunication right before we go to the Cure let's let's let's give different scenarios on how we could actually pinpoint and expose because we first have to expose it first so good so let's go into the danger of expectations oh that's so good yeah see the danger of expectation breeds miscommunication think about it because I have in my mind either in my family I've seen the way my father was treated I father treated my mother but my mother treated my father so I have an expectation in my mind this is the way all men operate wow and so I have an expectation that he has to do it this way or I don't feel loved foreign it's a love language so even though this man is genuinely Loving You effectively there's a miscommunication because you're expecting to receive it the way your father gave it to your mother wow that is so true so there's even this there's this um it's beyond communication there's this this philosophy what is the philosophy it's philosophy simply means you fall you fell in love with your thoughts so good can you say that again philosophy means so good I mean you fell in love with your thoughts meaning your father did something to your mother and you loved it so much you fell in love with it so even when another man comes along and he's genuinely loving you yes the only thing you could see is what your father did wow so you fell in love with that thought you framed that thought and you've made it a tradition so now anytime someone is not loving you according to that tradition you feel unloved you feel there's a miscommunication yes so we first have to understand is what do you really want so the expectation is this is what I need so in order for you to effectively communicate you have to ask the person that you're communicating to what is it that you want that's so good because it also reminds me of like my relationship with my mother right she's so loving she told me you know I can do anything I put my mind to and the moment I got in a relationship I thought that that's how everybody should speak to me whether it was my significant other whether it was my friend or they should always get always give me praise and recognition because that's what I was brought up with and that was an expectation that I had you know in every relationship that I was in so you're so right that's so good right and so what is so good and I love how you mentioned that simply because people fail to realize communication is beyond words yes from the minute from zero to six social scientists behavioral scientists everyone says this is the way human beings from zero to six is where they learn how to process information how they learn to solve they build upon them with words and experiences but they learn how to problem solve and communicate through those through those vehicles from zero to six so your mother taught you praise praise praise praise praise but no correction my father taught me correction correction correction no praise yeah so when I came to you and I genuinely gave you my love it was my love of Correction you couldn't receive it even though I was effectively communicating it truthfully and effectively you couldn't receive it because it was beyond words it was a philosophy that you fell in love with it was your culture so what we had to do in order to break that miscommunication I had to learn learn your language of communication that's so good so good and that's what people have to understand if you want to reach someone effectively you have to make sure that you learn to communicate beyond words there's a spirit in every single person yes even in the way we communicate to God God wants to be communicated to in a certain way but when we go to God we treat God like a rich uncle every time we pray it's for things that's true can you pay my rent can you pay my mortgage can you heal my son can you do this can you do that but we fail to realize in our manual which is the good book God says seek ye first the kingdom of God and all of his righteousness and everything else will be added unto you God is telling us how to communicate to him he's saying seek me not my hand but we don't even know what God's face looked like wow we just know his hands because we're constantly asking asking and we're not seeking him knowing him building intimacy with him and that's so good because that gives that makes me think of being an active listener right like you have to in communicating with someone you have to be able to listen right what does listening mean like what does that look like or what does that sound like listening is in order for us to truly listen I would argue and this is going to sound controversial but say it I would say 99.9 of human beings are failing to listen because listening requires I had the opportunity to sit down with an FBI agent and he's not only an FBI agent but he's a hostage negotiator wow so his whole life is based on listening in crisis and he said his only reason in communicating he's not trying to remember anything wow his goal is to Simply receive what the individual is saying there's another person next to him that is taking down the data but his job is to be fully present and to listen that's right and he said in order for me to really really listen I had to remove my opinion wow because here it is someone that's so good is this someone has people in hostage willing to kill them and I had to remove my opinion of the person and really really treat him like a human being like we're having a natural conversation so true cognitive cognitive listening is the removal of one pinion and the hopes what will make you a great listener always approach it from the point of a student as if there is something that I actually can learn yes that's good that's such a good point because I feel like if I put myself in a position that I don't have an opinion to what this person is saying but I want to listen to learn then I'm able to receive what they're actually saying the worst thing the worst thing and you've done this to me into being anyway we started dating the worst thing a woman could say to a man can we talk type uh in the comments can we talk you know you know that's that's not we need to talk nothing good is going to come out of that for the man it's going to be criticism criticism criticism but what if we did it this way okay help us this is effective communication remember communication is about you putting the person in an environment where they could digest the information that is being given right but if you're going to say something that is very critical and very serious and could be the potential of a disagreement then why don't wait till he's in a good mood you take him to his favorite restaurant or something like that I hope everyone's taking notes right now order his favorite meal and then Express to him the hard conversation in a loving inviting way but the first thing you do is you honor him you validate the great parts of him when you validate the great parts of him it breaks down the wall and it makes it easier for him to digest difficult things that's so good and it's the same thing with a woman because like you because I'll tell you remember when because my wife used to have a tough time handling constructive criticism because of our philosophy and the way how much praise praise praise no correction so anytime I would come with correction and it would be right I would be 100 right and this is the biggest thing guys I don't know if you're right but I I know I was right okay but it doesn't matter if you're right the goal is to be successful yes and so because I came to her with criticism and I knew time after time that was not the way she wanted to receive it I changed my strategy and I said I waited until she was in a good mood and I said do you have time to receive remember I always say that to you yes you still say that to me that's effective communication because if I know someone struggle in this area that's good then it would make sense to make it easier for them to digest and receive the information remember the goal is to be effective communicator but you know what I will say is that when you did that for me it made me be able to gather my loans gather myself and really be able to listen to what it was that you had to say versus before if you would have just came and said whatever it is that you were saying I felt like I had to be defensive or I had to prove my point or I had to you know like it it became like a battle almost right but the moment you said do you have time to receive constructive criticism it allowed me to say okay there's something in me that my husband see that I need to work on let me receive it because ultimately I think everybody goal is to be better is to be a better version of themselves yes and and so you gave me that opportunity to be better when you did that right but see the problem is we come from homes where this Avenue and this particular thing was not focused on yes we don't communication is the number one thing in the world in order for us to get what we want the way we communicate to God the way we communicate to self the way we communicate to each other we cannot achieve success without communicating whether non-verbally whether through uh sign languages whether through communication whether through the the via the web but still it's through communication but think about it it's not pushed it's not um I think a lot of people don't study the root of the problem right I think if we go back and we search like we were talking about um our family history and where we came from but it's not just enough to study the root of it right like what are you going to do what are the action steps what are the things that you're going to do to change what you've now learned that okay maybe like in your family your your mother and father never really talk you know they used to be in a house together and you never heard them say I love you or you know be affectionate towards each other right and you notice that you saw that it was an issue in your relationships and then you took the necessary steps to improve and become better in those areas so what are some key points that you could tell for people to show them how to identify the things in their past or where they came from that they need to uproot and and begin to to change first thing we have to understand we have to come to the conclusion that just because you're an adult it doesn't mean that you're an effective Communicator so true women I want to say this to you with the with the humbleness of heart just because you say more words it doesn't mean that you're communicating better just because you say more words it doesn't mean that you're communicating better the goal is to make sure that you whoever you're talking to understand what you're trying to convey ah so good and women talk they don't talk to communicate they talk to release their experience and sometimes the men get lost in the experience we have to understand who we're talking to now if you're talking to your girlfriend you could say all day long your experience if if you I'll give me an exam I'll give you an example if you went to the gym and I was out you're not gonna say yeah I went to the gym to the gym today and I had a great workout man I had a I went to the gym today and I wore my blue tights because you know that's my favorite type I put on this nice music you're giving me the whole experience the entire experience right man we just want to know what is it that you're trying to convey that's okay but if you really want to grasp a whole of the man try to get to the point faster so good and men for women if you really want her to feel loved tell her the experience of your day you have to understand who you're talking to so if I'm talking to my boy I'm going to give it straight if I'm talking to you I'm going to give you the experience because when I give you the experience yes I'm going you feel loved you feel heard you feel important I'll never forget there were certain times of the day where I'll go I'll be out all day and yes such and such call me um what did he say well he said that he's going to meet with us on Friday that's all he said I mean how did he say it what did he actually say yeah that's what I would ask you well you're right I needed more details but this is the way you feel love when you're communicated to because you want an experience sure this is a great thing I want you men to know this is the difference guys it will save you from a lot of heartbreak if you understand this simple Point that's good when women no I'll start with the men men hear words women feel words so true that's why a woman could say to the man you're stupid and he'll say I know I'm not stupid what are you talking about a woman a man could say to a woman you are stupid and it's heartbreaking because they feel words that's so true so men be careful what you say because they not only hear it but they feel it it lingers longer in their soul yes because that's the way God wired them so we have to understand who we're talking to in order to to give effective communication yeah that's what I was going to say is one of the things that you did with me when we first started dating was you asked me a lot of questions I have to and it was at first I didn't I was like why does he want to know all of this but you kept asking me questions and then I later found out that you were getting to know me because as much as information you just gave about the women like you know to have the experience and the men like to get straight to the point there's actually some women out there that are kind of the opposite where they just want to get straight to the point yeah so it's so good that you get to know who you're speaking to that's an important part in effective communication no asks a lot of questions to find out how your your information can land on them right yeah because I and not only ask questions I studied you yes I studied the way sure her mother communicated I studied the sisters and I realized okay I've been going about this the wrong way because every time you come around your mother praise oh man she's my Million Dollar Baby she's different I said okay I see why every time I give correction it doesn't land because you're just used to praise no let me tell you a funny story back in high school I uh modeled and I remember my mother I remember my mother coming to the fashion shows that I was in and she would be the loudest person in the audience and all you would hear is working Lolita and throughout my whole High School experience I would be walking down the hallways and all of a sudden you're here working Lolita and so it was funny but it's so true like my mom you know instilled that into me she she gave me that life so to say in in believing like I could do whatever I wanted so I know some of our viewers can relate you know maybe it was your parent maybe it was your uncle maybe it was a teacher maybe it was a pastor or someone that you know cheered you on and then it became something that you adopted in your philosophy to on how to communicate yeah and there's nothing wrong with that but we need that correction also to balance us out and also you know you know my parents were the complete opposite they were silent

music

um I didn't get the expression I didn't get they slept in separate rooms they barely talk and so because they didn't talk much we think that oh there's peace but we failed to realize that silence is also a form of violence just because you're not saying anything it doesn't mean that persons aren't being violated by the silence because when we made a vow to each other The Vow was to communicate our love and the expression of it but when there's nothing but silence you're basically saying to that person in a non-verbal way you don't matter wow that's so good I've never even thought of it like that you don't matter because two persons are sleeping in a room and there's no communication that's why there when we first started dating and when you would get upset with me as once you got your emotions out then you would be silent and don't want to talk yeah I viewed that as violence to me because it means that you're disregarding my feelings you're disregarding my value you're disregarding who I am because you're not even willing to express even your frustration wow that's so good what do we have to understand people is just because you're quiet don't think that oh I'm just trying to keep the peace it is better to actually go away and learn and get effective communication in order to come back and engage because what is the point of being with someone if you're not going to speak oh good there's no point I think that it's important that we hold ourselves accountable that we do a self-evaluation on where are we and how well are we communicating with people that we love that we care about what is it that you feel people can do right now to just hold themselves accountable or give themselves a evaluation like what are some questions maybe they should ask themselves good point because the first thing we have to acknowledge is who raised me and what was their philosophy and communication yes see I know that my parents raised me and they were mediocre in the way they communicated to me the way they communicated to each other but they were great in communicating the importance of hard work they were great in communicating the importance of making sure you choose your friends that's good that won't bring harm to you but because they were mediocre in the way they expressed their relationship to each other I realized that there were certain things that I had to give to myself that they couldn't give me yes so I realized okay this is what they were great at and then these are the things that I have to build upon and so I realized that I was terrible in my expression I was non-affectionate used to complain all the time you're not affectionate you're not affectionate and so the first thing we have to understand is don't wait for the feeling if I know that there's a flaw that I need to work on then I just need to make a decision to do it yes so I realized that I was non-affectionate so I would literally plan it I said today I'm going to tell her I love her today I'm going to hide some unloading our shoes it wasn't a feeling I had to behave my way to success that's communication with myself I had to make a decision so the decision starts with you I can't allow some exterior forces to dictate how I'm going to show up in life I can't allow someone else inconsistency to dictate how I'm going to be if I have to be Love's greatest advocate and if I want to be the best version of myself I cannot let what you do affect me and so I made decisions so it's not a matter of feeling it's a matter of do you want to be right or do you want to be successful and I wanted to be successful in loving you so I have to study you I had to study you and make sure give you what you needed then I could sprinkle in the things that I wanted to give wow so your one decision away from a good communication one decision that's so good and you build upon it remember your parents gave you the best of what they had yeah forgive them look at what you have that's why in my book love symptoms I have a friendship survey where I said you sit down and you you ask the your best friend someone not who's not going to to cuddle you because you only want truth and say when I show up what do you get when you get me am I violent with my words am I narcissistic am I um mean-spirited what do I get because I want to change certain things about myself so the first thing you know need to do is expose the truth of how you show up once you do that then you have to actually the things that you normally would do you have to do the complete officer so if I pick up the phone and I'm normally used to calling someone and saying and telling all of my problems then the first thing you do when you call say forget don't worry about me I want to know about you it's not a matter of feeling you're trying to literally destroy that ignorance and the only way you could destroy that ignorance is with the truth of yourself that's the only way we could do it look at this scripture Ephesians 4 29 do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth but only what is helpful to building others up according to their needs that it may be that it may benefit those who listen I'll say that again do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen wow so in this scripture right here it's all about effective communication we waste a lot of time because we want to get our emotional needs met oh you're stupid I can't believe you did that we want the person to feel so horrible wow and this scripture is saying do not let any unwholesome word come out of your mouth meaning the only reason I should be communicating with you is to either build or edify that that that cuts out 99.9 percent of our conversation right there yes because we want when we're disappointed we want to let the person know how disappointed we are so the first 40 minutes is man you know how long I waited I can't believe this again you missed my birthday and the goal is God is saying right here do not let anything that's so good I remember you did that with our relationship we would argue for hours and hours and hours and then it got to a point where he was like my chest is hurting we can't keep doing this and I was like okay and he was like you know what this is what we're gonna do we're gonna whenever we have a disagreement or whenever we want to talk about something that is difficult we got five minutes to talk about don't don't get don't give them that that scenario yeah we're gonna save that but okay but we learn but we learn how to communicate effectively so we were doing this and this is the first time I'm actually um for the last several weeks seeing this scripture but it it keeps you honest yeah because the goal is either to build or to edify even in your criticism you could be building so when I remember when we were talk I would never this is another good point if you if the goal is to build a healthy relationship never say I would like it if you can do this better remember we're in a relationship in unison yes I always say to my wife I said I would like it if we can even if she's the one failing more in this particular area I would say I would like it if we can do this better because when we say we eating it encourages the person to join in the fight but if you say you then you're causing me to defend myself so what is the result that you want you want someone to defend themselves or you want someone to join in on the fight that's good and so we want them we join in on the fight and so that's how we would always so self-evaluation first understanding what you lacked what was not given to you and then what about turn your house into a library you should have at least 10 books on just communication alone yes it's the most important thing in the world then Also spiritually how much do you communicate with your father see the biggest mistake we make is this here's what we do I'm malfunctioning and then I sit down with myself and I give myself self-evaluation does that make right so it's like this camera here probably a black magic if the black magic cease to capture this image I can't ask the black magic what's wrong with you why are you not working I have to look at the box that came in yes look at the manual the manual is the creator that actually gave me the device and if the manual doesn't give me a complete understanding there's a number that I call and it's the authorized dealer that is tied to the owner of the product and they tell me how it worked so the biggest thing we have to do when we're malfunctioning yes we have to sit back with our father and ask our father God tell me how do I work I'm miscommunicating I'm failing to love the ones that you have sent me to love I'm miscommunicating my finances I'm miscommunicating in all areas of my life help me to understand then also now then you sit with people who God has sanctioned to help you in the processing of building yourself that's so good but you don't go back into unaffective communicators of expecting to be effective you have to if you see someone who is growing and excelling in that Grace it makes sense to sit down with them and say can you please help me get to where you are that's so good I think those are some good action steps for our listeners on ways that they can improve and not suffer from miscommunication right you know that that is a cure for the ability to to grow and and develop and the habit of being a good uh per a person that can communicate better so I love it and think about it communication there's no such thing as I am here every single day we should be even there are some times where I assumed like even today we were getting leaving today you thought that I would grab this particular bag and I thought that you would miscommunication happen all it's not how do I make sure that this doesn't happen again how do I make sure that I communicate so effectively that we don't miss each other we're going to have missteps the missteps assembly are indicator that we simply need to be more intentional in the way we communicate so even the missteps will bring you to a better side of yourself but the first thing we have to understand is there's no great com greater Communicator than our father than our God than our Jesus Christ and when we sit down with him and we tell him all of the things that we're struggling with but the goal is how do I build this relationship with you father help me to understand the way you want to be communicated to because God wants to be communicated to in a specific way he will allow our ignorance because we're growing but God wants to be communicated to in a spectacular way he says seek me they ask the Pharisees asked him Moses law was 646 laws and they asked him a great question he says what is the greatest commandment of their all because they wanted to simplify 646 laws to down to one he says love that God with all thy heart with all thy mind with all thy soul and all thy strength that's the way God wants to be communicated to he wants to know that he's number one 24 7. love me with all your heart with all your mind with all your strength not because he's a narcissist because the more you love him with everything the less likely you will be broken that's so good but thank you like you just blessed me I hope this conversation blessed you for the next effective relationship that you're in we are so excited that you tuned in with us we hope that you join us again make sure you subscribe that you like that you share and that you let let someone know next time when we're live because we're going to be talking about different things that are real life stories that possibly you experience whether it's unforgiveness whether it's miscommunication or rather it's Finance but we are excited and we're happy that you tuned into in treatment foreign

music